Some people might think I'm naive. I don't see the "bad" lives of anyone... you might say that I live in a huge bubble.

Some people say that I have a joy and a effervescent love for life.

Some people... well, I don't really know what people think of me. But I'm beginning to not care.

God is making such a profound difference in my life. I can't explain it, really. It's so hard for me to do that... you kind of need to experience it for yourself.

He has opened my eyes to so much--he's broken my heart and still is breaking my heart for the things that break his. Like the pain of others, the hopeless-ness of others. The joy-deprived life of others. The needs of others. My life is not about myself anymore.

But I see these people and I read the words that they write... there's so much pain and guilt and shame in their lives. I see these people and think...

How can you not have joy? There's so much freedom in Christ, so much joy in the love that he has for me.

I love the song "Only Hope." I love listening to it, and feeling the hope that it gives me... God is my only hope. He is my only hope for making it through life. I can't do it myself. I tried once.

I held so dearly and tightly to the things I loved so much. I thought they were worth throwing my relationship with God away.

Should I type it? I question for the fear of this person reading it. Maybe this person needs to read it. So I shall. And... well, it might cost me... who knows. And it will be painful. But I'm finding that I need to do this for real this time.

Note: the details aren't meant to be etched out. If you want to know, I will explain privately, but I'm not putting the details in for the sake of this person and myself.

So there was this person I loved so much. And I loved him so much that I began to compromise my faith little by little for the sake of knowing this person better instead of growing to know God better. I tried to fill myself with this person... I was desperate for anything from this person. I got to the point where I probably would have compromised something so sacred and so pure for this person if they'd asked me to (and if you want to know what that is, you can ask me).

But this person went away, and something bad happened. Good to them, bad to me really. It all depends on your point of view. And then I wanted them to change... but not change for the sake of them changing, but for my sake. I wanted this person back.

Then God told me it was time to let go. And I did--for two seconds.

Then God started teaching me that he made the depths of my heart for only him to fill. And I began to want that, because this person was no longer sufficient for me. This person would never come back, not in the way I needed or wanted them to. And my heart cried out for something to fill the depths where this person could not reach.

God answered, and told me that the only person who would be able to fill me was him. And I wanted it so badly... but I knew it would cost me, and I didn't think I was ready to give this person up.

So I spent less and less time with this person. My longing for them lessened as well, and a desire for God slowly developed. But I no longer held on to this person like I did--I held onto my own life and didn't want to let go.

I went on the trip, and in my desperation and insufficiency, I cried out...

I want to know You.

He answered and said it would cost me. I didn't care anymore... I was tired of running.

I finally gave in and dedicated my entire life to him, and slowly he is easing my grip on the things I once held dear, one by one--I feel so much more free every time I let something go.

God sent me a person on the mission trip. His name is Nate. Nate was absolutely amazing--he is so wise for his age for having been to hell and back. Nate did something this person didn't--he was constantly pointing me towards God. And in doing so, God opened my eyes to show me that I deserve better than this person. God wants me to have someone that will point me to him, and someone who will treat me like the princess I am, and that I will grow to love someone--but in a way that is honoring him, and not taking away from him.

More than a guy that can dance, I want a guy who will point me towards God. Who will speak to me God's word. Who will take care of me. Who will fight for me, and protect me from anything. Who will pray for me on my behalf. Who wants to hear what I have to say.

Anyway... that's why Nate is there, and that's why Nate and I had such a strong bond on the trip. We talk a lot still, and write back and forth. Whether that's meant to be more, I'll leave that to God. I just want to be filled with God right now... so I'm trying to stay away from guys in the romantic aspect.

Back to my story, I came back from this trip, and God opened my eyes to see this person for real. The things that this person showed me... it was not of God... and I couldn't take it... I still can't.

I can't hold on to this person any longer. This person might think that it's because I'm judging them... but it's not.

I threw my God out the window for the longest time. I exchanged the truth of God for a lie. That time I spent away from God is nothing compared to the time that I'm spending with him now. It was not worth it.

To this person:

I don't know what to say to you right now, except that the things that you have shown me since I got back... the website you showed me... was a shock...

You say that your relationship with God has changed, but it hasn't waivered. But I see different.

Romans 1:21-23 says:

 ²¹For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. ²²Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools ²³and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

That, my friend, is the picture that I see of you. My heart breaks for you... and not for my selfish reasons anymore.

I invite you to look at the words you speak... the words you type... the thoughts you think... where is God in that? You claim to know him, at least to me, but where does he hold a place in your life? Just on Sunday mornings, if even that?

I can't stand to watch you throw God out the window like I did. It's not worth it. Believe me when I say that. And you'll see that, too... someday, when you stand in front of him to give him the account of your life. You'll stand in front of him and look at the ground ashamed of what you have to tell him.

You'll think I'm wrong when you read this. But try to look through the eyes of God, and not yourself. Tell me what you see then.

I don't hate you. But my heart earnestly breaks for you.

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I can say that through this experience that God is the only one who I know can fill me. I have hope because no one can snatch me from my Father's hand. While the enemy may try to steal my joy, I know that my joy comes from God. And God wins. Period.

I'm putting up the lyrics to "Only Hope."

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope 

Well, it's late... and I'm tired. So I'm going to bed.

Much love

Teresa

 Keep it real.